Maybe I care/

I was digging through my pictures and found this one that I took a few years ago when I went to PA for my brothers 50th birthday. Made me really wish I was there today. I find myself often just wanting to go away for a few weeks and have “NO” contact with anyone for a while.

No phone, no mail, no computer, no conversations. Those that know me know I actually could be alone for a few weeks and totally enjoy not seeing or hearing a soul!

My sister Chris wrote me today wanting to apologize for maybe being one of those that offered unwanted advice lately. I laughed when I read her letter and explained that I wasn’t thinking about her at all. In fact probably nobody that I was thinking about even bothers to read my blog…OH with the exception of the busy bodies that don’t actually want to see the homeless suffer however if it meant for my ministry to die then by all means anyone and everyone should suffer. I know they still read everything.

Today was a good day. Tonight heaviness settled back on me and I am having a really hard time not allowing myself to crawl into a shell. I am tired…I feel very much alone which is actually odd because of how many people are around me all the time. Sometimes when I try to explain my feelings they come out wrong or else someone comforts me by sharing their feelings which always seem to make mine seem trivial. Therefore I feel even more lonely.

 Tomorrow begins our last week of cooking breakfast for the homeless. We probably will only serve to our men from the streets our last week. I think we all need that time together without everyone else around. If I have failed at anything the past four years with our men it would have to be I didn’t try hard enough not to love them so much! I hurt!!

Today we had 2 more women call to volunteer so Missy took their name and #. They had heard we were having to move. I have no idea how they heard anything but it blessed me how they worded their conversation, yet still wanted to make sure we called them when we “move”!

As far as news other than this I am “newsed” out! (Spelling ck says this is not a word) But ya know tonight I simply don’t care if spelling is correct or sentences make have logic to the reader tonight. I don’t care who likes me, who believes in me or even if I will ever be loved again by “anyone”! I don’t care if mud is on the floor or how we’ll stretch 30 eggs to feed 40. I don’t care if “Shaky” is hanging on me…..OK I do care about that… I don’t care if someone is passed out at the door in the morning or needs to change their pants because of accidents. I don’t care if toilet paper gets stolen out of the bathroom or the new jar of candy is empty in 30 min. I don’t care if men decide they want to talk like nobody can hear or if Earl just wants to sit on the pew and cry for an hour about nothing. I don’t care who stole the bottle of hot sauce last week. I don’t care who’s late for devotions or if I have a sermon ready. My men don’t care because God always has something to say to them. I don’t care how much coffee gets spilled on the carpet Missy just scrubbed for the umpteenth time. I don’t care who comes in cold or hot and grouchy because they’re hungry and frustrated with their life. Let them take it out on me…I do not care. I don’t care if I have to put plastic gloves on my hands and look at open wounds at 8 o’clock in the morning or run down under a bridge to see who drowned in the river or had a heart attack.

I guess I just don’t care to say it’s finished , it’s over or I quit!  I don’t care to feel this miserable about a situation I don’t understand while I look into eyes of lost souls I have not one good answer to comfort their confusion.

It’s been a long day…I imagine to some I have said enough. To others it may already seem boring therefore I close here.

My burden I carry tonight as I crawl into bed is I DO care. Not enough! That to me, makes sence and that is all that matters. Have a nice MOnday.


4 Responses to “Maybe I care/”

  1. it all makes perfect sense to me Sister Jaye…………

  2. …and to me too. Am still praying…


  4. Dearest Sister Jaye,
    I know through personal experience, and I know you do too, that sometimes God lets us go through hard things we can never understand, to get us where He wants us. I continue to pray for clear answers for the future of WVM. I cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone could be hopeful that this ministry of God would fail. I pray for them for they surely need it! I also pray for our community to listen to God for what He wants us to do to support this ministry; that absolutely includes me. I have already asked Him to forgive me for letting go of the interest He gave me in WVM. I look forward to helping in some way in the next phase of WVM. In the meantime, I do hope you get your “time away.”

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