I can’t see

 The picture I posted today is to help the reader understand what it is that I can see. I know who it is, I took the picture but to a fresh eye they will squint and blink thinking maybe they just didn’t glance at it correctly the first time.

Most will do the double take and look again and just surmise that I goofed.

No I didn’t goof but for whatever reason it is how I have been looking at life lately.

Sometimes when you need the biggest blast of air to sweep under your knees to help you stand, it doesn’t come. The hug you desperately need from a close friend turns and walks away.

You suddenly feel cold, helpless and do everything you can to fight back tears knowing if you cried there would be nobody there to help you wipe them away. “Life is blurred!”

My God in heaven took my picture. He knows who I am and He knows what my life is all about but to everyone else and unfortunately to myself it’s all blurred and I have no clue how or even why the photograph will or should be corrected.

I do know that in order to push past reason and logic in other people’s lives we very often must be able to go back into our own and draw from pain, confusion, loneliness and nothingness. For that belief alone is why at times I am able to go through weeks like I have had lately.

I understand hope being raised above expectation where you can hear the roar of victory being shouted among people and in heaven.  To realise I must look away from the light that seems to sting my eyes because it’s been so  long I traveled in darkness. Yet suddenly I glimpse an ending to a hard journey that shines.

My picture was clear… my sight was searching the rope stretched across the finish line. Inch by inch I ran with arms stretched out. My lungs burning from gasps of air being sucked in and out for a week? Two weeks? No I repeat inside my head it’s been years. Run I remind myself when suddenly feet from the end my knees go out and I tumble to the ground. Unable to move I slowly look up still trying to find the rope and it is then when I am down I see the rope split in half. One end laying to the left and one to the right………Someone else beat me to the finish line.

As like the weary runner, I too find myself today. The bruises hurt no matter how softly you touch them. Open skin from the fall need attention but who you thought might be there when you fell, went away. Slowly you get up and walk off the field.

In the distance you hear well-meaning voices saying go back to the starting line and try again except you allow your feet to stagger you off the field to a place to rest. Yes, “I” or “You” can make that decision to sit. Nobody else knows how bad you feel but you but if you have no idea where you’re running anymore and the picture is unclear sometimes it is best to sit in order to heal.

Yesterday I was in line at the gas station and a homeless man was in front of me digging out his change for a beer he had in his hand. I was in an area of town I usually don’t go and I didn’t know the man.

He turned around to me and smiled and commented on how beautiful my necklace was. My sister Sandy had given it to me, it is about sisters and it made me feel good that he noticed it.

I thanked him as he continued to tell me that he had been married 39 years. Suddenly it seemed as if he wanted to tell me what happened to his wife and in fact his entire life but the line moved him on.

Before he walked out of the store he turned to me inches from my face and said “You’re a very special lady” and out the door he went.

I didn’t feel very special, I felt really really lost. I thought to myself as he walked across the parking lot…”Mr Man? I don’t know who I am or where I should go anymore.” I just don’t know who’s in the picture.

See>>> I am no different from that man in the gas station, the one sitting under the bridge or in the abandoned building. I lose my way through life, I feel scared, I want to run from reality because I feel so so alone.

You can’t make people understand or make people even want to help you when you know you’re crashing hard. If I could see clearly than maybe I could hear the roar of victory just one more time.

For now? For today? I need to rest. I need to heal. I need to understand many things I suppose. I think what I have to find out more than anything is why I feel like a homeless person along the side of the road and nobody knows I am there.

I wrote this all in my blog today not because I don’t believe I’ll see clearly again but maybe just maybe if someone reading today seems to have a life right now that is blurred it is OK! It will change and when the dust settles you’ll know who was cheering you on the whole time.


One Response to “I can’t see”

  1. How absolutely WONDERFUL!! I stumbled across this blog just browsing and enjoying my last day of vacation here at home. You made my day.

    I used to work for the Mental Health Association in Tulsa, OK. They specialize in helping the homeless here in our city.

    It was so shocking the reality of the fact that 70percent of homeless are mentally ill. Some with sever retardation. We dealt with the same problem of girls being used up. A very sick thought that these 25 year old women were really on 10 mentally.

    Thank God for people like you. God Bless!!!

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