Rachels Words.

Take a look at myself, Oh God not yet… looking at the reality may make me insane. That’s only the reality of who i have become~ i don’t even want to see the whole picture. But i know that’s where i’m heading… to a 3′ D of me…

Between me and you, let me say thank – you. Thank-You God for where i sit today. A little better than where i sat yesterday. i’ve been so far gone. You know, living a lie ~ and wanting only to keep on living the lie to keep me from seeing the truth. So far down only death is what i wanted, and every time “life” came thru my “lie” i only pushed that much harder. God i’ve called you out. i’ve cursed your name. i wanted in my sick mind to go toe to toe with you knowing i would lose. i wanted you to take me down. prove to me you were ugly and never loved me, yet here today i am sitting at this jail table seeing you loved me. You have remained God even when i became less than human.

~~~~~~Piece by piece i pray, You’ll reveal my weakness while on my knees i pray your character will be revealed. Who am i? that you call me by name? Who am i that you love me still the same? This is me- in 3′ D- show me you- shining through.~~~~~~ I want to fall in love with you, Rachel

I visited Rachel Sunday in the jail. Being on the ministers list I am able to go up into her cell block and have personal conversation for an hour.

Normally I share a message to the group of ladies but this Sunday afternoon was difficult, it was different. I walked through the second locked door after it popped and Rachel fell into my arms.

Word travels quickly on the streets as well as jail… before I entered the room most of the women knew I had a personal message for Rachel and it wasn’t in words, it was in my hug to let her know I was glad that she was alive.

There are several tables and stools cemented to the floor in each block of the Muscogee County Jail. At first my girl sat on the floor next to me. One of the ladies noticed and stood to give Rachel their seat so she could sit across from me. Rachel sat down.

For an hour I shared much of my own testimony. Trying with every breath that connected to my words to gently blow life back into so many shattered lives.

Several times I locked my eyes onto Rachel’s hoping to allow her to hear my heart. A heart that has wept for her while she ran away from hope for 5 months. Motel to motel, man to man, drug to drug…escaping reality. Desperately trying to end her life.

She told me to keep her story going… she said it makes her feel like this time has not been wasted. She gave me several days of notes to share with readers of my blog which I placed at the beginning. This particular day was day 7… I am sure the first day her mind cleared well enough to take thought with pen in hand and communicate it onto paper.

If I may at this point maybe explain a little behind what she wrote from bits of information I received from others.

One evening before her arrest Rachel loaded a needle full of dope. She walked outside into the night and looked up into the sky only to see stars dancing in the darkness.

She stood there looking up and began to scream at God! She challenged Him if you will; to kill her. Not wanting to live anymore the way that she had… she was finished and “alone”~ she wanted to die!

I imagine the sound of her tears caught heavens attention as she raised the needle and shoved it into her arm. Expecting death~ heaven heard as my God stood to look her way. Not anger nor contempt roared through the sky that night to wipe Rachel out. Only love.

A love my girl understood the day she sat in jail and wrote that short note on day 7. That love reaches to places that man is not willing to reach. A love that is obtainable if we allow the masters hand to guide our own. A love that helps me to see a shattered human being wanting to die. That love is why I do what I do.

What she asks me to share I will… I will in order to wake up people to the reality of the world beyond our perfect lives and pretty houses. It is a world where death is welcomed on a hot summer night because everything has flipped upside down and we find no answers. We turn around and see no one!

Yet in all that emptiness, God heard from heaven the challenge Rachel made to her maker to prove himself to her…to even us, that He isn’t what is always preached behind podiums across this world every Sunday… but He is a God that loves us in spite of who we become sometimes.

I have a lot of responsibility I have accepted from God concerning Rachel and her life. What I am asked to do I do for not only my girl but for every single other man who slips up on the edge of the bridge in the middle of the night or the lady sitting on the edge of her bed holding a pistol on her lap. I am asked to see…

I am hoping that part of Rachel’s recovery can happen with the help of my words on a blog. It is important to her people know.

Maybe by allowing people into her world that she can finally find her own spot here in this life to laugh again. A place that is safe from all the demons of her past… never to be scared again but to feel loved!

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3 Responses to “Rachels Words.”

  1. great as always!!

  2. I sent her a card with a note a couple of days ago. I hope it helps her some.

  3. I think I know who you’re talking about, I think I remember her. If it’s who I think it is, please tell her that there’s someone half-way ’round the world — in Italy — who remembers her, who loves her, and prays for her. And even if it isn’t who I think it is (someone new, after Bill and I left), you can tell her anyway that I love her and I’m praying for her, ’cause it’s true whether I’ve met her or not.


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