Final Direction from Here.
Direction…For 2 weeks I have spent so much time alone. At first it was easy but just as easy as it started I began to feel an overwhelming feeling that my life was a bit twisted. Bear with me if you will. I always knew who I was. I know my good, great, wonderful qualities as well as my negatives. I’m as everyone else trying to figure each day out! This blog is a reflection of me… I love people. I found this picture in my blog library and I laugh…I listen with my eyes. I have sat like this through so many meetings, classes, counseling sessions, just looking. I read people really well. I have to due to the street work I have done. I’ve climbed through broken windows, down banks through the woods. I’ve walked streams and closely inched near the river. Looking. I have been in homeless camps snug up against a back road and camps that took a good 10 minutes to reach. Good climbs under bridges suddenly reveals little villages of friends working together to survive. People… People nobody remembers. People due to their addictions and mental illnesses can no longer feel safe or belong in “normal” society. Jaye’s friends…
I stepped into the shower this morning thinking about my life. Where it is going. I thought about the 14thstreetbridge…the men. The lives. I’ve met people who if I died today I can say without hesitation have made me a totally different person. If you read my posts you can see the journey I went on willingly but it is time for me to say goodbye.
Calvin Bubba Ed
Tony Boy Jeff Juni
Sue Joe Joe Randy P.
Boone (Tim) Rodney Adam
Names… So many names. But you see to me they aren’t just names. These names mean laughter and sorrow. They are men that opened my eyes to the silence of the streets. The souls that nobody sees. They feel, they are extremely intelligent, they have moms, dads, sisters and brothers. They recall Christmas and their new bicycles. They went to school and had spouses that they married. Their children…names, ages, failures. Prisons and crimes. Some were thieves, crooks of all kinds and some even murdered. These names were a few of my friends…. “Were?”
This morning while I stood in the shower letting the warm water wash over my back. I thought about what seems a small list to some is a big list to me. In 7 years I have loved each and every name. Held them in my arms. Heard them call me mom and the words I love you poured from their lips. They all, in seven years have died!. Some were found dead. Some I watched die in nursing homes and hospitals. A few even had accidents crossing the street and were hit and killed by a car. They DIED! I have had to deal emotionally with each death and some where along the line my heart stopped crying. “Why it is my job, I can’t let their lives and possibilities of death hurt me.” Lie! It did hurt me. I miss them all so much. They were family. They were my friends. Each one I poured so much of me into them but yet at the same time they poured so much of themselves into me. As tho I have been on a Mission Field for 7 years…it is time for Jaye to go home. Pass the torch to someone else. I can not do this anymore. Emotionally it has taken a toll on me and I know I must go on.
………..Billy, Gutter S., Ron, BinLaden, Randy D., Woody, Louis, Carl, Jake, Talking John, George, Cass, Jonathan, Fred, Tiffany, Jason, Junior, Shaky, Thom, Eric, A F Joe, Cowboy, Sharon, Donnie, Sonny, Homer, David, Larry, Wild Bill, (Big) Mike, Brent, Paul, Chance, Mike (Spin) Thommy, (Street, Cat, Bike, Little) Mary, (Marys) Greg, Robert, Christy, Greg, Capp, Little Roy, Pete (Opilika), Petra, David C., Love, Steve L., (wheelchair) Christy, Clifford, Timmy, Philly, Daffiny, Indian John………
These names are all my friends still alive that I see all over the downtown area daily plus there are more. But, I have to go. I have to take what I have learned and take it with me as I go on. The ones still living are a hand full but when I stopped and remembered how many died in 7 years/// I can not do this anymore. I need rest. My love will never ever die for the homeless or the outcast of society. I understand that. I’ve had just about 70,000 readers during the time I posted on 14thstreetbridge . I would like to believe I touched and changed that many lives.
I do hope to take these pages and one day write a book. I now have direction and you will not be hearing the last from me when I push my final period today. I have a new door opening and well, it looks like I will be going through it. I intend to take all that I have learned and build and strengthen lives in my new adventure. I have had fun beyond fun…but the sadness I never allowed myself to feel I am feeling now. Love is painful in death… It is painful. Mission complete and I am satisfied. Thank you for reading and your support. There are years of stories here. Stop back because you never know the lesson I learned from a homeless man that particular day you pushed on a story from the archives is the simple lesson you can place into your own lives.
I have no regrets…I know I gave 175%. I worked 7 days a week and put in about 10 hours a day…or more. Right now I cry, but when I stand before groups in the future I’ll recall my guys with a little water in my eyes and a whole heck of a lot of pride. Thank you all.